Piranha 3D

In attending the moving-picture house, an upstanding gentleman must remember to dress himself and his wife in the most appropriate attire, lest they seem unfashionable or out-dated. Your humble author prefers a straw boater, a vest, my trusty whipping-cane and elegant sleeve garters. It seems it is fashionable in these current times to add another accoutrement to this list; peculiar eyewear apparently needed to see an elusive third dimension; eye-glasses I shall call Trifocals.
The newest picture, entitled 'Piranha 3D' unfortunately requires the application of the clumsy frames directly to the face, a notion which initially  I heartily resisted because they refused to fit comfortably over my monocle. However cold I was to the notion at first, I quickly warmed once I spoke to a learned professor, who helped me to understand the invention. Having a worldly background, I naturally understood, and as a service I shall now explain to you, the simple reader, how they work, thusly:
The theatre-goer affixes the glasses to their person and faces directly towards the screen, onto which an image (the picture-show) is projected. Through a complex process of alchemy,  each eye-lens is treated with a contrasting layer of colored film, allowing certain brightenesses and colours of light to pass thru. Then, during the course of the actual show, an indentured farmhand crouches beneath the stage and dangles several fish on a rod in front of the screen. The uniquely-treated trifocals filter out the images of the rod, the line, and the farmhand and thusly the illusion of free-floating piranha-fish is attained.
It is with regret that I must report the actual content of the picture was hardly as novel as the process thru which it was assembled. In my humble opinion, 'Piranha 3D' is nothing more than a boorish husk of mindless ichthyo-blabber disguised as a risque delight through liberal doses of blood and bare bosoms.
Regardless, as an author, it is my duty to respect all viewers and their opinions with the utmost, highest regard. Therefore, if you found this picture to be enjoyable I understand completely and merely humbly suggest you seek the appointment of a skilled physician immediately to prescribe medicine for your apparent brain-rot brought on no doubt thru rampant, untreated syphilis.

Judgment Being:

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